“Hemlock Grove Eating its tail; Suggestions for season two”

Full disclosure—I binge watched Hemlock Grove over the course of a weekend, then rewatched the series about ten times. It’s on now in my house, so this might make my 11^th viewing. Needless to say, I like the series. A lot. So I’m stoked about the chance that I might get to see some more, especially if they manage to bring back some of the female characters they totally unfairly (and predictably) dispatched at the end.

(Side note: see Game of Thrones for series that completely rejects this convention and every other horror ever for its implementation: American Horror Story, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Psycho,  and also the Walking Dead  series [Which added insult to injury by also making us hate the female characters so we could collectively call for their heads on a spike before the season ended].)

With that behind us, let me commence to tell you things I would like to see happen in Season Two:

The story will pick up three years later, there will be an explanation for the 200 pound man with the bad knee who left tracks around Lisa Willoughby’s body. He comes back up when Destiny channels Lisa’s last moments– there’s a dog (who would be white, because that’s Christina as a wolf), and then a man, who the girl describes as “big and black”. By which I take it OooOooOoooh creepy evil darkness black.

Since I’m on the Christina note—Why did she get all PTSD when she came upon Lisa’s body? Did she forget that she dragged her torso halfway across town with her teeth? She put it there, so was she faking the “prank” stunt? And then when she was asleep at her friend’s house, mumbling in her sleep, was she pretending to sleep in order to mumble about it? And if she were, then she clawed that guy’s face up just to perpetuate the con? All that just to frame Peter? Creepy little thing. I need answers, people. Why? WHY? Hopefully this will be addressed in season two.

She will return as a something “pale and hollow and gone”—Destiny, in my imaginary version of the upcoming sequel. Destiny will do some more awesomely weird magic stuff like when she did a shot of twitching corpse entrails in “In Bad Taste.” It may have something to do with the shadowy man or astral projection or something.

And Letha!

I am going to need 100% more Letha than I anticipate there being. And she’d better have a halo and another Old Hollywood wardrobe of soft looking fabrics in muted colors.  With peter pan collars. And pearls. I like her in pearls. She doesn’t even have to be an angel, I really do not give a fuck. They could bring her back with no explanation; just have her, like, walk down the stairs in the first episode like no big and I would accept that and never ever bring it up.

Shelley will not return to her family, but there will be a parallel story going on about how she’s in a side show and finds love in the form of a fast talking carny who accepts her completely but doesn’t understand her when she uses big words. She accrues a massive Twitter following on her anonymous account which her family uses to keep tabs on her after discovering it sometime halfway through the series.  #epistolary #augmentativecommunicationdevice #informationageliterarydevice

The eye drops. They are placebos. DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNNNN.

Roman will chase Peter into the deep south and they will never ever mention the similarities to True Blood. Or call Christina a zombie. And they will never again have somebody die or perform any important action off camera as atonement every important thing they skipped over in the first season.  While in the deep south, maybe it gets all southern gothic and the two have to save Letha from… idk. What do dead people need saving from? Invocations? Killer manatees of the afterlife? There will be voodoo and oppression and lots of Catholicism, making things easy for the Vatican to try and get its claws into Peter again. I recommend Grand Isle for shooting. I will be the location scout, because I am generous and self sacrificing and will drive a long-ass way for seafood. @Eli Roth

Olivia’s body will not decompose, but continue to be fabulous. She will still be shown in flashbacks to Roman’s childhood where she tells more hardcore Romanian tales for children from before the time of Dr. Spock and health insurance. Her tissue sample will not allow the doctor to perfect his flower that won’t attract bees, but will maybe be able to synthesize less picky bees. There will be HULK—SMASH! Scenes and he will rip up his very nice suit.

And finally—the baby.

She will get kicked out of preschool after the suspicious deaths of two of her classmates and have to be homeschooled. Her favorite food is anything that looks like blood around her mouth. Strawberry jelly maybe.

Related articles

• Episode Review: HEMLOCK GROVE (“In Poor Taste”) (mralphafreak.wordpress.com)
• Hemlock Grove 1×07 “Measure of Disorder” Recap (popinsomniacs.com)
• Did you know Hemlock Grove was supposed to be filmed in Pittsburgh?