Eating people

During the days I spent at “Fort Balls & Shaft,” now named, “Fort Nowhere,” Jack and I got into a lot of trouble. We walked around the house naked, rolled in the dirt, wasted most of the celery salt, and made enough prank phone calls to used up the majority of the minutes on Jack’s phone. We tried to prank call the zoo, but got hung up in their extensions, and almost ended up scheduling a kid’s party there. We got the numbers of a few “Christina Ricci”s in the Manhattan area, and we called Whole Foods looking for the tofu flavored to simulate human flesh.

Maybe it was the days of catabolism, or maybe it was just curiosity, but we hung out on the phone for several minutes, being transferred back and forth several times, with Jack holding the phone and faking a very think hick accent. Twanging, Jack explained, “HUFU! Tofu that’s flavored like humans. Yes. Humans. It tastes like humans. Yes, I can hold while you look.”

Whole Foods didn’t stock Hufu, but luckily, our boozy ethnographer friend Seabrook can fill us in:

It was like good, fully developed veal, not young, but not yet beef. It was very definitely like that, and it was not like any other meat I had ever tasted. It was so nearly like good, fully developed veal that I think no person with a palate of ordinary, normal sensitiveness could distinguish it from veal. It was mild, good meat with no other sharply defined or highly characteristic taste such as for instance, goat, high game, and pork have. The steak was slightly tougher than prime veal, a little stringy, but not too tough or stringy to be agreably edible. The roast, from which I cut and ate a central slice, was tender, and in color, texture, smell as well as taste, strengthened my certainty that of all the meats we habitually know, veal is the one meat to which this meat is accurately comparable.
-New York Times Reporter, William Buehler Seabrook, after consuming a person.

from Wikipedia, thanks!

and HEY! I like veal. I’ve eaten veal on several occasions, I make great osso buco. That’s what I taste like, or at least what the individual in question tasted like, if we were braised in an aromatic tomato based broth, flavored with wine.

So, now my quest has ended, and I can finally hang up the phone. Humans taste like veal.

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2 Responses to Eating people

  1. Kate says:

    Wait a minute, wait a minute. The dude who ate a person… was it a young, sedentary person? Like, a kid who plays videogames or sits in a classroom all the time? Or was it an adult athlete? Because, you know… they might taste different…

    And what was the diet of this videogame playing kid? Cheese and milk?

  2. spooky says:

    here’s what i can report:
    “Prior to 1931, New York Times reporter William Buehler Seabrook, allegedly in the interests of research, obtained from a hospital intern at the Sorbonne a chunk of human meat from the body of a healthy human killed by accident, and cooked and ate it. He reported that, “It was like good, fully developed veal, not young, but not yet beef. “

    from:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannibal
    accessed 2-17-09

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